If Justin Bieber Were My Terrible, Golden Son
If Justin Bieber were my son, I would have a Cobb salad for lunch every day, and a big goblet of iced tea beside it. If the tea were sweetened or flavored in any way, I would send it back. I would...
View ArticleIf LeVar Burton and Yo-Yo Ma Were Your Dads
If LeVar Burton and Yo-Yo Ma were your dads, you would be able to judge a book by its cover. Literally. You’d never waste your time reading books that would only disappoint you. If LeVar Burton and...
View ArticleIf Tom Hiddleston Were Your Boyfriend
If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, the first time the two of you got high together, you’d get uncontrollable giggles and finally blurt, “We’re Hiddlestoned.” Then you’d have a terrible moment in...
View ArticleIf Ted Cruz Were Your Husband
If Ted Cruz were your husband, you’d start to see cans of soup turn up in unlikely places, like those ubiquitous garden gnomes. You’d spy a stranger in the crowd holding up a can of Chipotle Chicken...
View ArticleIf Jason Bateman Were Your Boyfriend
If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, you would know who exactly had wronged him, and would help him enact the occasional petty revenge. “You're…really good at this, honey,” he'd say, with mild alarm...
View ArticleIf Sarah Paulson Were Your Girlfriend
If Sarah Paulson were your girlfriend, you’d always take your makeup off before going to bed. In fact, you’d take each other’s makeup off. As you softly wiped her face with a high-end cleanser, she’d...
View ArticleIf Oscar Isaac Were Your Boyfriend
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, he'd know about your penchant for doodling people during long phone calls. You’d leave your notebook open on the kitchen counter and return later to find your...
View ArticleIf Lea Salonga Were Your Best Friend
If Lea Salonga were your best friend, your text messages would be laced with song lyrics, things you were too shy to tweet, and the occasional dreamcast prediction for the live-action Mulan. Read more...
View ArticleIf Barack Obama Were Your Dad
If Barack Obama were your dad, you would know you shouldn't ask him for help with your government homework, but you’d do it anyway, and he would go on and on and on for so long it would be like the...
View ArticleThe Toast Looks Back: The Best of If X Were Your Y
WHERE IT ALL BEGAN: "If Channing Tatum were your boyfriend, he would get you the worst birthday gifts, but he would look at you with such love that you would never care. Then he would dance for you."...
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