Quantcast
Channel: If X Were Your Y – The Toast
Browsing all 10 articles
Browse latest View live

If Justin Bieber Were My Terrible, Golden Son

If Justin Bieber were my son, I would have a Cobb salad for lunch every day, and a big goblet of iced tea beside it. If the tea were sweetened or flavored in any way, I would send it back. I would...

View Article


If LeVar Burton and Yo-Yo Ma Were Your Dads

If LeVar Burton and Yo-Yo Ma were your dads, you would be able to judge a book by its cover. Literally. You’d never waste your time reading books that would only disappoint you. If LeVar Burton and...

View Article


If Tom Hiddleston Were Your Boyfriend

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, the first time the two of you got high together, you’d get uncontrollable giggles and finally blurt, “We’re Hiddlestoned.” Then you’d have a terrible moment in...

View Article

If Ted Cruz Were Your Husband

If Ted Cruz were your husband, you’d start to see cans of soup turn up in unlikely places, like those ubiquitous garden gnomes. You’d spy a stranger in the crowd holding up a can of Chipotle Chicken...

View Article

If Jason Bateman Were Your Boyfriend

If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, you would know who exactly had wronged him, and would help him enact the occasional petty revenge. “You're…really good at this, honey,” he'd say, with mild alarm...

View Article


If Sarah Paulson Were Your Girlfriend

If Sarah Paulson were your girlfriend, you’d always take your makeup off before going to bed. In fact, you’d take each other’s makeup off. As you softly wiped her face with a high-end cleanser, she’d...

View Article

If Oscar Isaac Were Your Boyfriend

If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, he'd know about your penchant for doodling people during long phone calls. You’d leave your notebook open on the kitchen counter and return later to find your...

View Article

If Lea Salonga Were Your Best Friend

If Lea Salonga were your best friend, your text messages would be laced with song lyrics, things you were too shy to tweet, and the occasional dreamcast prediction for the live-action Mulan. Read more...

View Article


If Barack Obama Were Your Dad

If Barack Obama were your dad, you would know you shouldn't ask him for help with your government homework, but you’d do it anyway, and he would go on and on and on for so long it would be like the...

View Article


The Toast Looks Back: The Best of If X Were Your Y

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN: "If Channing Tatum were your boyfriend, he would get you the worst birthday gifts, but he would look at you with such love that you would never care. Then he would dance for you."...

View Article
Browsing all 10 articles
Browse latest View live